Loss (n): the state of being deprived of or of being without something that someone has had
Losing anything is never convenient; keys, wallet, a job, a relationship, oneself... Though a lot of these mishaps are only temporary, and many are avoidable to some extent, there is a piece of us that is altered/modified. Whether we believe it or not, something in our perception changes. Nonetheless, a lesson resides at the end result of the matter, be it when the item is found, a new job is had, the relationship is mended or at least civilized, the worth of self is rediscovered. Or the opposed...
Loss (n): death, or the fact of being dead
Perhaps the heaviest loss I have ever experienced, and undeniably the most traumatic, has been that of a very dear friend and former castmate of mine, not even a month ago. This dear friend and I recently shared the stage in the very play that our hearts were set on from our introduction to it - Kill Move Paradise - back in April/2016. A true bond was formed; and not solely covered in Art, but one steeped in the abundance of Life. I cannot readily admit that I have come across another being who carries such a Light and capacity for Love that it viscerally magnify's one own capacity. Even as I type this, I find myself having a quite difficult time understanding or fully processing his transition. True as it may be that his energy, Light & Love are significantly larger than the shell of his flesh that once contained it, there is the (selfish) part of me that wishes that shell could have carried his physical presence just a while longer, 30-40 years more. It's not fair...
My life has changed, quite literally. Every day, I wonder, I ask aloud, I sit in a cloud of confusion, trying to make sense of what I am afraid I will never fully understand. There is a part of me that is at a tremendous loss. Loss (n): a losing by defeat. We lost at battle with fate. No, it does not make me afraid to live, but rather determined to live more fearlessly. But it does hurt. Every day it does, and in a way that is different, almost newly compartmentalized; every day. This loss feels permanent, and I have yet to discover the lesson at the end result, because I am not entirely sure what that "end result"' is [supposed to be].
This past month has been an ironic balance of tragedy and triumph. While mourning loss, I have been giving myself permission to celebrate recent career strides, bookings and new friendships that have formed. It helps. I get that one can not understand the fulfillment of joy without the awareness of pain, yet these reminders only lead to more questions: (1) why this kind of pain? (2) why his life? (3) why now? (4) why? Again, the answers may be out of reach, right now, but I have to trust that they will come. Otherwise, I would go through Life at a loss of Faith, which is sure to be at my own demise, yea? Until soon...
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Donnell E. Smith