Memories of what I used to have fill my mental matter, as I long for what's to come. Maybe I keep myself busy, by counting the mistakes that have turned into blessings. Perhaps, I consider the times my smile was a transformation out of depression. I believe, then, that I will not wait for long. I'm smiling again, just thinking about it. Maybe everything that glitters isn't gold, but everything that rumbles isn't danger, either. That's how I learned balance. Now the ground that opens up isn't for me to fall into, no. I realize that it is for me to watch growth from the Earth; growth that will take me to higher plains. I guess that abyss of fear really was a well of infinite possibilities, this whole time. Just because I can't see but so far doesn't make knowing impossible. There is a reason I know now what I could not understand before. Time. How can I receive that which I am not (yet) capable of holding? Yet. Does that mean I have never really been without? That, maybe...just maybe, I have always been provided what I needed to do what I needed to do to get ready for what comes next? Then, I'm not wanting...right? I'm living and learning, growing and knowing which way is the way for me.
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He thought me strange, from the way I claimed my name. Like, foreign-like, but from the very land from whence I came. I almost puzzled myself when I professed the next few sentiments I felt. Like, am I attempting to defend the man that I am, to my own kin? He smirked at my confusion, as if I were an illusion. Bruised from the mental intrusion, I redefined my bravado, speaking accelerando, speaking honest sonnets and haikus, direct like the news, my truths. He was not amused; now whose confused. He straightened up like a militant, eyes focused like a diligent student. He was not amused. He was...intrigued. Believed that I might be the energy he needs to break free from his own degree of masculinity. He had it all wrong, all along. It's not about braggadocio, but how to use what you know, to prove how far you can go. He began to understand what it really means to be a man. The transformation was beautiful; and not unusual for guys who look like me. Guys who have to believe in something greater than what they see, to acquire this kind of reprieve. And all we ever wanted was to be free.
She looked at me, inquisitively, as though I spoke my truth exquisitely. My eloquent verbal benevolence caught her by surprise. She gazed into my eyes, as if to spot a glimpse of a disguise she must have been hoping lied inside. Her smiles archived files of the moments when words escaped her, before they had the chance to verbalize. She was coy, cute; curious to know the history. My story. O' the glory of her secret worry that I may very well not be who she was told I'd be, but something far more intriguing: authentic human being. Imagine the conversation with the rest of her population when it is discovered that lucid imagination, paired with ignorance and sprinkled defamation is what births the downfall of a nation. So, may the notion create a sense of devotion to Love and truth; proof that hi(s)tory can be told in a bold manner, without daggers, in an honest way to say, "Yes, his life does matter." That, I am not the narrative some thought imperative to paint on the walls of society, with compromised sobriety. I am not the monster under your bed, nor the voice of danger in your head. "I am just a soul, whose intentions are good. O' Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood."
But I'M BACK!
I had some technical hurdles on the digital home front, but I am back and here to stay. It never ceases to amaze me how often I am reminded about the Gift and power of patience and inner peace. The few days without access felt like an eternity, in the midst of it, but I look back and can see that it wasn't that bad. Such is life.
So much has occurred, since my last entry; where to begin? It's definitely great to see and feel more of the Sun. This past winter has been among the darkest for me, so I am absolutely committed to soaking up as much Vitamin D as I can. Roller blading, walks, cookouts, i'm up for it. Beyond that, is a blessing to live in the manifestations of my goals and passions. Mind blowingly - I know, it's not a real word, but I'm in a safe space - my three most recent major projects have all been recognized:
TIME: The Kalief Browder Story (Netflix) - Peabody Award Winner
Kill Move Paradise (Theatre) - Drama Desk Award Nominee for Lighting and Set
Sprout House (NBCU Kids) - Daytime Emmy Nominee
Like, whoa... Again, I'm just really grateful to be a part of projects with a powerful message and ones that speak to the communities. May I continue to do the type of work that I am eternally proud of, that speaks to who I am and what I stand/advocate for. Not only that, the fact that in each of these projects, I have been surrounded by people who were passionate about the work they put out, and the story or message(s) being shared; the makings of success.
Also in this time, I've been working with my fellow Producers on our short film, FAWK. Since we're in the crowd-funding phase, to help get through post-production, it's been crucial for us to be as present as possible. Now that this site is back up and running, you'll likely see more info and updates in the near future. For now, I have some other writing of my own to tend to...*wink* Until soon...
Donnell E. Smith